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I got up from bed just now. I noticed I must have been drooling, because the bed was wet where my head was laying. Any longer and I probably would have drowned myself. Im not in one of those great moods or anything.  The sun is out, but its still chilly outside, so im stuck inside until I have to go to work. I applied for a job at a camp and Im hoping I get it. I like working with kids and I like sports and thats what I would be doing. Playing sports with the kids, coaching them on how to play baseball, football, basketball, etc. etc. Bad thing is that I still have to keep my job at the church. I'll be making ok money this summer, enough to get by and pay bills and save for my apartment. 

I still feel a rift in my relationship. Dont know whats causing it but its there. I wish it would dissappear, but I dont know how to make that happen. If things are going downhill, why doesnt it happen quickly? Why so slow and gradual.  I was in this class and this guy read one of his stories outloud. It was about him proposing to his girlfriend. He said they have been together four years. He even cried in front of everybody. A little cheesy for me, but he seemed genuine enough. He's going to do it in London during the summer on some bridge, i forget the name of it though. Then I thought about how me and my girl have been together 5 years.

I talked to her when she came by my job. I told her that marriage isnt about being prepared with a job and money and all that shit. If you love someone enough, deeply and you are willing and ready to be with that person for the rest of your life, then you get married. Its what's felt in the heart that should determine marriage, not whats in the wallet or the job you currently have. She didnt agree with me, but I knew what I was talking about. And I was genuine. So, I wanted to propose to her next year, but I dont see it happening because I know she'll say no. Plus she said she wanted a ring that was at least 1500 dollars or somethign like that. I dont know if I can afford that right now, but I know I could get her a nice ring for now and then later on get her a pricey ring. And this wait, i finally realized, may be the rift that keeps us from making that final plunge. Thats all for now. Im gonna go mope around a bit, get some school work done. I hate thinking about stuff like this. Its depressing.